Healing

it's been two weeks.

fourteen days since we learned that

the little baby growing inside me had stopped developing,

the little heart beat that i had seen a few weeks before was no longer beating.

we learned that he/she had stopped developing within the week before.

i was scheduled for a regular doctor's appointment.

my doctor said everything looked great and i was right where

i should be - at eleven weeks.

however, when she went to listen for the heartbeat

she could not find it.

so, she sent me over to an ultra sound.

there, the tech was taking much too long...

i knew something was wrong.

finally, she said "i think we have a problem. let me get the radio-ologist."

the minutes ticked by. as i sat there. alone. in that dark room.

looking at the screen. which held an image of our baby.

they finally returned and gave me the news.

they left me again to call my doctor.

this time i sat in the dark and called mr. c.

i held my composure until i heard his voice.

i couldn't utter a word.

he had no idea what was wrong and i couldn't tell him.

i finally pulled it together and told him.

i was sent home and told my doctor would call me.

i picked up randi from early release day.

she knew something was wrong the moment she got in the car.

i told her. and cried.

we bought gigantic cupcakes.

went home and cuddled.

and watched new moon (her choice).

mr. c picked up cade.

he then came home.

and held me. tight.

i could not understand why it happened.

had i done something wrong?

was i too old?

was cade's gastroschisis related to me losing this baby?

my doctor assured me the answer to all of these was a big NO.

in fact, she said, "it's just a crappy thing. we don't know why it happens."

but, i'm healthy. i take my folic acid every day. i watch what i eat and drink.

what about all the alcoholics and crack heads that have healthy babies?

it's not fair.

the whole thing sucks!

i had no cramping. no sign that anything was wrong.

i went in for a d & c early friday morning.

the kids stayed with my parents thursday night.

i was so scared for the surgery.

what if they found something wrong with me...

but, i was healthy. recovered quickly. and she said there was no reason not to try again.

i was pretty much pain free after the procedure. felt good enough to go for a walk, make cookies, and do laundry the next day. (i'm a nut. i know.)

i had to get my mind off things...

and exercise and baking make me happy.

each day is better.

i'm still - a bit - of a hormonal, emotional roller coaster ride.

(poor mr. c)

but, i am so greatly blessed with a strong support system.

mr. c has been the best nurse i could ask for.

feeding me jello and chicken broth (per doctor's instructions).

cooking all the meals.

dropping off and picking up kids.

and wrapping me in his arms several times a day.

and making me laugh.

i have beautiful children.

i want to remember how clingy randi was...

how cade climbed up on the bed as soon as he got home (that day) and cuddled...

how zach called me. and cried.

i have awesome family.

my mom is my rock. so strong.

i want to remember how the day before i found out - papa had to put his dog down.

he was watching cade while i was at the dr. and we both cried when i told him.

how mr. c said our little baby was walking asti in heaven.

how rich and deanna called me from texas.

how troy called me. and debbie.

how they had to put down their dog the day of my D & C.

and it was troy's birthday.

{it was a rough week.}

the long, tearful conversation with denise.

and the basket she left at my door.

i have been richly blessed with great friends.

there was a flow of text messages.

messages that reminded me i was loved.

beautiful flowers were delivered.

filling the house with sunshine.

cards were sent.

written with words that made me cry.

but, made my heart melt.

i love each and every one of you.

thank you for being there...

and for giving me some room.

and now, on this day, i am reminded that the world keeps moving.

life keeps going.

a couple of hours ago i received word that my dear sister friend

gave birth to her fifth baby.

after four girls...

she has a boy.

and she did the delivery naturally.

{she is my hero.}

life is good.

and i am thankful to be living it.